Quicksand

Don’t tell me that everything happens for a reason

 

Even if you could follow the smoke

To where this fire began

And you could point to the

Garden that will bloom

Out of my misery

It simply would not help

 

Thank you

For your Bible verses

And encouraging messages,

But it is not what i require

 

i know that i will feel better with time

 

i know that statistically speaking

Something pleasant will

Come out of this shit

 

But you have to understand

That i don’t understand

 

And your facts and well wishes

Are incapable of cradling me

During this prolonged exhale of my soul

 

Because this is the worst kind of pain

 

It is not a shot in the side

Or a stab in the back

A quick, cutting sensation

Emphasis on quick

 

This suffering clings to the air

It stops my heart and clogs my lungs,

But keeps my eyes open

To watch you hurt

 

It is a slow wooden sword

That has cut into my side

As it carves across my frame

I can feel each uninvited splinter

Adding to the wound

That will never fully be healed

 

It is a long, barren road on a silent drive

 

The moments that stretch themselves into eternities

Just before the rising of the sun

 

This dull throbbing in my core

Which propels me to the brink of numbness,

But spitefully grants me sensation

 

Is lollipops and lilacs

When compared to watching you hurt

 

Because, you see, there is nothing i can’t fix

The tool belt that hangs on my hips is full

 

i’ve got a sewing kit for anyone

Who is falling apart

Chocolate for a broken heart

Jumper cables if your car won’t start

 

But i cannot fix this

 

All i can do is cry

And bake lots of pies

To build a makeshift,

Cherry scented shelter

Around your tattered soul

 

But i don’t want to help

A part of you

i want to fix the hole

In your heart

 

This gash in your side

Because run as we like, Dear,

There is nowhere to hide

But I know that i can’t

Because i have already tried

To stretch my flesh

To cover you from this

Shocking explosion

 

But i am stuck

Watching the erosion

Of innocence

From your poetic eyes

 

Watching the pretty blue birds

Fall from your skies

 

This is the slowest fucking quicksand that i’ve ever seen

 

As it greedily swallows our dreams

As I pound at the glass

Of this one-way mirror

Screaming to be just one inch nearer

To you while your hope

Is ripped at the seams

 

But at least we’ve got that, right?

 

Hope.

 

As tattered and mangled as it is

It is not gone

 

So i suppose we can stand

And say through our tears

 

We haven’t lost it all.

Unless i feel you

Maybe i’m tethered. Maybe i’m chained.

Maybe i should tell my heart to stop

Pounding at the sound of your name

They don’t see you.

They only see your fist

But i know your honey apple kiss

Your smoky carress

How tenderly your fingertips

Loosen my dress

And i must confess that your touch

Does not always make me tingle,

But when it is good, Baby,

It is great

Maybe i need you

Maybe i don’t feel alive

Unless i feel you

Whether it be a clenched fist or a soft kiss

Maybe you need me

i know the man you are

The man you can be

Maybe if you let my golden affection

Seep into your hardened pores

You would hold my heart

As tenderly as I hold yours

i can plant the seed of love

In your garden

That has been

Cracked and eroded

By a burning hate

i know this fury is not your fate

i know that you are more than your past

So i can see past your clenched fist

To your soft kiss

i know these bruises are not what you have meant for me

i know that you are good for me

And, i think, somehow i am good for you

And, Baby, you are the only thing

That i know to be true

I won’t go

Because if i did

i don’t know what i would do

Momma keeps telling me to leave

But i’ve got nowhere else to go

i never really learned how to be alone

i never really learned how love is to be shown

Your name, Love, is etched into my bones

You build me

And you break me

Out of the shrapnel of your soul

You make me

With each hit

By the touch of your fist

You affirm my

Existence

If i cease to be with you, Love,

i fear i will simply cease to be

You are inexplicably intertwined with me

So, Momma, i’m gonna stay

i’m gonna pay the price that he needs me to pay

i know it’s not easy, but it is better this way

So, Momma, i’m gonna stay

-Delilah Davies

Jesus Wept

thanks, but you’re the last person that i want to speak with right now

 

i get that you are the creator of the universe, but what you have allowed to happen in my world is simply not okay-

so i reserve the right not to speak to you today

 

is that something that we are even allowed to say?

as Christians we are told to find joy in every day,

but i simply do not believe that within today’s message from Jesus Calling i will find the answer to my world of problems

 

because Jesus is calling me to become more like Him

and

Jesus wept

 

how easily we forget that a smile was miles away from his torn up face when he was to be sacrificed for the whole human race

 

this mask that we choose to plaster onto our face held by the glue of

“God has a wonderful plan for you”

is not the burden that we are asked to bear

 

we are asked to share in the depths of each other’s sorrow

but how does that work if no one is allowed to be sad?

 

or mad at God for what He has allowed to be done

 

i know you gave your only son, but she never gave permission for you to take her mother

 

and i get it

i know 

that the Lord is on my side,

but it feels like i could wash away all of your uplifting verses with the tears that i’ve cried

 

grief is something that no one should be denied

 

and i cannot tell you why we have all fallen for the myth

that things get rough

but when God steps in they always get better

 

because sometimes, sometimes they get worse

sometimes you pray and pray and pray and pray

as if your prayers held oxygen to sustain your own living,

a costly gift that keeps on giving

 

and the world simply keeps on spinning

 

as if a plea never left your lips

 

all of the stories that i have heard are not shared until they have a happy ending

so we can’t stop pretending like everything is fine even if we wanted to

 

 

sometimes not everything falls into place before the end of the show

 

life is hard and God is good

and that’s about all i know

 

-Delilah Davies

what i intend to be

you need not ask me what i intend to do, but rather what i intend to be

i intend to be a voice for the unspoken
i intend to be a constellation that spells out hope for this darkening world

i intend to read
i intend to write
i intend to embark upon a relentless pursuit of wisdom

i intend to break
i intend to rebuild
i intend to accept my flaws and not allow them to become a barricade for the movements of God

i intend to love
i intend to attempt to understand how it is to love well

i intend to hurt
i intend to not to numb myself to the peaks and valleys of this life

i intend to question everything
i do not intend to find all the answers that i seek
i intend to find comfort in the discomforting grays of this world

i intend to become gray, a hue that makes all others brighter

i intend to fight
i intend to lose
i intend to fight again

i intend to live past mere existence
i intend to love past mere acceptance

i would also like to be employed
and to be able to feed myself,
but all of this is secondary to my aforementioned desires

-Delilah Davies